23rd October, 2015

Every time I hear the Sanlam Radio ad about South Africa’s Car guards I can’t help but think that the creative team that conceptualized the radio advert came to the comedy club and took my joke about car guards and translated it into a radio advert. I think the advertising agency needs to pay me for my ideas. They are my ideas and my jokes. Pay up. My acc number is 62 578 678 887 FNB. K Mulaudzi. No really.

I am not a big fan of car guards. Here is the thing about car guards. Is it just me or once you say hello to the car guard, that’s a contract, you have to pay this guy. One you say hello back you can't then now come up with excuses how you don’t have money. 1 "Hello" equals pay up. Now I have to pay hide and go seek with car guards to avoid paying him for doing nothing. That’s the first lesson they teach them at the Car Guard School of South Africa. Lesson No 1: Once the driver steps on the ground establish eye contact and say hello and your job is done.

Let’s be honest I do not think a car guard can stand between your car & a bullet for R3. The last time I checked R3 was the going rate, maybe its R5 now that inflation is acting up. When the car thieves come for your car at the parking bays the car guards will definitely act like he is not even a car guard, he will leave the crime scene quietly.

Let’s please dissect the whole car guard idea. You pay the guy change/coins to guard your car against thieves/car hijackers and anyone that might damage your car. And the guy also helps you look for a parking spot as you drive into the parking lot, and assists you when reversing your car from the parking bay. Now having said that why does the guard still expect payment if you rush into the shop and leave occupants in the car... Are the occupants not guarding the car? Noooo, in the minds of the car guards, only they can do the job better and they should be paid even if you don’t think they deserve it.

I stay in Midrand Johannesburg, the car guards there never take “I don’t have coins” for an answer. The Midrand car guards have Speed Points. Talking about is savings of cheque sir? So you are going to use a speed point for R3? Are you crazy? And is it just me or once a car guard is behind your car you turn from normal to stupid. Now you can’t drive anymore, you rely entirely on the guard’s hand gestures to reverse your car.

I am not a big fan or car guards man. Maybe that’s why I got black listed by car guards. They don’t even greet me or help me at the parking lot.  This one time the guard was helping me reverse my car and I turned to stupid when I saw him behind my car. The funny things was that my car was the only car by the parking bays. What were the chances that I was going to bump another car?

In a year or two I will sell my house and my cars and go buy me a house by Hartees Dam (a nice area where the house are built along the dam water, the shops are by the dam as well, so you need a boat to go to the office and the shops, there is no need for  cars). I know that at Hartees there is no chance that I will encounter a Boat Guard. Because boat guards will have to worry about making money as boat guards and swimming as they do their job. I know my black boat guards will not risk their lives for R3. Can you imagine a boat guard? Frantically wiping off water from his face, swimming and helping you reverse your boat at the same damn time? No chance whatsoever. Like I said before I am not a big fan of boat guards.

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